I finally went running by the pier and aquatic park last week. Then I sat by the bay and ate a granola bar and listened to some good music with one earbud and the tides with my other ear. It was a beautiful day.
So I just helped my grandma dye her hair because she had too many grey ones. And in the midst of it, my heart suddenly felt like a boulder, so heavy that it ripped my pericardium sac and pushed against my chest. I thought of my childhood- the times she trimmed my front bangs to keep them from covering my eyes and cut my fingernails when they grew too long and brushed my long hair back for me after I showered. She is the strongest and most loving woman in the world. If I were to ask her to buy me a bottle of juice, she’d come home with a gallon and extra large bags of snacks to go along with it. I told her, “I can’t believe I’m leaving for college so soon” and she told me that she went shopping for my college cookware and other supplies recently. My heart aches because I feel guilty for wanting to leave. I wish I could hand her the world.
“Instead of “Mom”, she’s gonna call me “Point B.” Because that way, she knows that no matter what happens, at least she can always find her way to me. And I’m going to paint the solar system on the back of her hands so that she has to learn the entire universe before she can say “Oh, I know that like the back of my hand.”
She’s gonna learn that this life will hit you, hard,in the face, wait for you to get back up so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air. There is hurt, here, that cannot be fixed by band-aids or poetry, so the first time she realizes that Wonder-woman isn’t coming, I’ll make sure she knows she doesn’t have to wear the cape all by herself. Because no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. Believe me, I’ve tried.
And “Baby,” I’ll tell her “don’t keep your nose up in the air like that, I know that trick, you’re just smelling for smoke so you can follow the trail back to a burning house so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him. Or else, find the boy who lit the fire in the first place to see if you can change him.”
But I know that she will anyway, so instead I’ll always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boats nearby, ‘cause there is no heartbreak that chocolate can’t fix. Okay, there’s a few heartbreaks chocolate can’t fix. But that’s what the rain boots are for, because rain will wash away everything if you let it.
I want her to see the world through the underside of a glass bottom boat, to look through a magnifying glass at the galaxies that exist on the pin point of a human mind. Because that’s how my mom taught me. That there’ll be days like this, “There’ll be days like this my momma said” when you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises. When you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you wanna save are the ones standing on your cape. When your boots will fill with rain and you’ll be up to your knees in disappointment and those are the very days you have all the more reason to say “thank you,” ‘cause there is nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline no matter how many times it’s sent away.
You will put the “wind” in win some lose some, you will put the “star” in starting over and over,and no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life.
And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting I am pretty damn naive but I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily but don’t be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it.
“Baby,” I’ll tell her “remember your mama is a worrier but your papa is a warrior and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more.”
Remember that good things come in threes and so do bad things and always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.
Your voice is small but don’t ever stop singing and when they finally hand you heartbreak, slip hatred and war under your doorstep and hand you hand-outs on street corners of cynicism and defeat, you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother.
I refuse to talk to people who put less effort into the conversation than I do. I don’t care if you’re my best friend or even an acquaintance. It’s bs to be wasting my time and energy on people who truly don’t care.
I have never sang in front of people until last night at the VPA’s. It was pretty embarrassing (forgot the lyrics and voice cracked and forgot my chords hahaha omg) but definitely no regrets. The last thing I would’ve wanted to say was “I wish I did it.” Im glad I got to try something new :)